yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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