Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
