so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
