he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
