he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So squirting runs in the family.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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