when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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