It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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