You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drake has all the answers
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
