When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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