WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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