Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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