Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
