Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
