I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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