Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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