Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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