I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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