She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
