my mouth tastes like poor choices
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
