best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
