Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We have started to decorate penises.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
