He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
