I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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