Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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