i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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