proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
