Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
