remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
