I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
