Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
