I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
