I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
