He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
