as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
