Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
