I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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