Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
