in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
