I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
