is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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