I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
