dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
