I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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