remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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