quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
