that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
