I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
