I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
