dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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