What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
