my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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